I’m beginning to realize that all healthy, mutual relationships share a set of fixed pivot points—core mechanisms that do not change from one type of relationship to another. What varies is not the presence or absence of these pivots, but the degrees of freedom each relationship allows around them. In other words, romantic partners, friends, and even parents and adult children rely on the same basic relational architecture; they simply operate it differently.

In young adulthood, I used to think primarily about romantic relationships: why they worked, why they ended, what emotional patterns repeated. Rarely did I reflect, at that same age, on the nature of the bonds with  my parents or with my friends. Perhaps this is because the relationships that fluctuate most dramatically in early adulthood are romantic ones, while friendships and parental bonds often remain relatively stable. We tend to analyze what is in motion, and leave unquestioned what seems steady—at least until life forces us to do otherwise.

I had the fortune or misfortune, depending on how one interprets it, of experiencing flux in all three arenas before the end of my twenties: with my parents, with close friends, and with romantic partners. That simultaneous shifting has made something unexpectedly clear. Across all these very different relationships, the same pattern emerges. Good interpersonal relationships begin with mutual respect for one another’s autonomy, identity, values, and boundaries. Only when that foundation exists can genuine emotional openness develop—an ability not only to express one’s own needs and feelings, but also to receive and understand the other’s. Out of that openness grows trust: the confidence that intentions are benevolent and actions align with care. And finally, consistency cements these elements over time, repeating the cycle as long as the relationship continues to have a sense of mutual natural texture to it.

Different relationships give different amounts of space to each of these pivot points, but the pivots themselves remain unchanged. Recognizing this has made the landscape of human connection feel less mysterious, even if no less tender or complex.